Book 3.1
Torodin help me, I want to die. Donar and Silvio have locked me in an extra room in the temple. I think if they had not assigned Nysander to watch over me I would kill myself. I have nothing left to live for now.
Donar gave me this diary and ordered me to write down my thoughts... what I have been doing for the past few days. He said that maybe if I took the time to organize my thoughts I could find a way to explain the way I have been acting, though he doubted very much that there was any excuse for what I've done.
He is so ashamed of me.
I am trying to obey him, but the pain is awful and my hand is shaking. They won't give me my medicine, and I need it so badly.
The past two days, everything has gone wrong. It didn't start out that way. The other morning, Rhavin gave me a beautiful black and silver cloak embroidered inside with the symbols of Torodin. I was so touched I almost cried. After that, I trained him and Kariya. They are learning observation so quickly, and I am proud of them. I threw up in front of them, which was embarrasing, but they seemed to believe me when I told them I was just a little bit sick. Rhavin had just gotten back from visiting the baroness, and he gave me a beautiful rose -- I still have it. .
But then poor Kariya was kicked out of the army, and her father is missing. I feel so bad for her; I want to help her but what can I do? I tried to read Gil's mind to learn who he'd bitten, but all I got was horrible, bestial images of rending flesh and dripping blood. I was so horrified and exhausted, Dorvin let me rest in a back room in the ice house.
I lay down for a while, shaking and crying. I must have slept for a few minutes, because I had another vision. I awoke with a start. I recalled dreaming a dream so vivid that it could only be from the Shadowmaster himself. I saw a great, white fireball hurtling through the heavens, trailing behind it misty remnants of itself. I saw on the other side of the night sky a window, the glass eteched with the words of Hyskosa's prophecy. Panic gribbed me as the fireball's progress went unchecked across the night sky - until it went crashing through the window, splintering the prophecy's stained glass incarnation. I shielded my eyes from the explosion of fire and glass shards raining down upon me. Then, with a feeling of dread, I looked back to the skies. Through the shattered window came a rolling thick fog, obscuring the night sky. That was all I could remember.
Then a knock came at the door. I wiped my eyes and opened it.
Rhavin and Kariya stood there. Rhavin was frowning.
"Nikita, are you all right?" he asked.
He really was becoming more observant. I supposed he could tell I'd been crying. I was oddly proud of him.
"I-I'm okay," I lied. "I read Gil's mind -- it was terrible. And I didn't learn anything. I'm just a little upset. And I had another vision. Rhavin, can I tell you about it?"
"Of course," he said.
I explained to Rhavin, and he committed it to memory. He seemed very troubled about the fog.
I looked at Kariya, "Why are you here so late? Is something wrong?"
"Nikita, we need your help," Kariya said. "We've been asked to help the local restaurant owners. It seems that everyone is going to Torg's all the time for steak. They're neglecting their jobs, even. It's very strange. We're sure there must be some charm or something involved, but we need your help to find out."
Sal had already warned Canliss and me that Torg's had paid their protection money. They were off limits. I certainly wasn't going to make that mistake again.
"No," I said, terrified. "I can't help you."
Kariya scowled. "What do you mean you can't help? Why not?"
It was tearing me apart to let my friends down like that. But I couldn't explain. "I just can't," I said.
"Well, thanks a lot," Kariya snapped.
"I'm sorry," I said, close to tears. "Please go."
They did, but not before Rhavin had taken my hand and gently kissed it. As soon as the door was shut, I sat down on the bed and sobbed.
Some time later, there was another knock at the door. This time it was Donar. His expression was stern.
"Nikita," he scolded, "why didn't you tell me you were hurt?"
I stared at him in horror. How had he found out? "I-I'm not hurt," I lied. "I'm just feeling a little ill."
He came in, shutting the door behind us. "Sit down," he said gently. "Let me take a look at you."
I backed away. "No, please. I'm not hurt."
Donar glared at me. "Nikita, I am ordering you to let me examine you. Do you intend to disobey me?"
I felt tears spilling down my face. "Please don't do this."
But Donar was insistent. I will never forget the look of fury in his eyes when I took off my dress and he saw all the bruises.
"It's not bad," I said. "I fell."
He gave me an incredulous look. "Nikita, why are you lying to me?"
"I'm sorry," I sobbed. I had never lied to Donar before all this had started. How could he ever have any faith in me now?
"Sit," Donar said, his voice tight with anger. "Let me tend those wounds."
I didn't say a word while he examined me. I knew what he saw -- the cuts and bruises all across my back. The welts on my arms. My left shoulder was swollen and out of joint; I could barely move it. My side where Nicco had kicked me was black and tender. I could not even breathe deeply when Donar told me to, because of the pain in my ribs. Claiming that I fell had been a pathetic lie to cover injuries like this.
"Who did this to you?" Donar asked.
"I can't tell you," I sobbed.
Without another word, Donar healed me as much as he could and carried me back to the temple. He put me in a spare room.
"Get some rest," he ordered. "I hope in the morning you'll consider telling me the truth."
Then he shut the door and was gone. I was horrified at how I had disappointed him, but I knew it would only be worse if he knew the truth. I couldn't tell him. I lay down on the bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I crawled out of bed, shaking. After a night's sleep, my bruises had left me stiff and sore. Knowing I would be training my friends soon, I took a triple dose of the medicine and made sure that my water skin was full of it before I went downstairs.
I found Donar and Silvio in the study they shared. They were poring over some sort of journal and munching on a tray of bread and fruit. They regarded me intently as I walked in.
"Do you have something to tell us?" asked Donar.
"Yes," I said. "I wanted to talk about my vision. " I had already written it down for them, but it was customary to relate it twice, in case the sleeping mind had forgotten any important details.
They exchanged glances. It was not the confession they'd been hoping for. Donar regarded me sadly while Silvio pulled up a chair and bade me sit down. He offered me some of the food, but my stomach recoiled at the sight of it; I had not been able to eat a thing all week.
"No thank you," I said weakly. "I promised my friends I'd have breakfast with them at the Oasis."
Silvio nodded and put the tray back. He sat on the arm of my chair and studied me.
"Tell us about your vision," Donar said.
I did, and Donar recorded my words. I dared to look up at them then. It was customary for them to discuss each priest's visions with them, to help them explore possible interpretations.
But Donar and Silvio said nothing. They just stared at me.
"What - what do you think it means?" I asked finally. Their silence unnerved me.
Donar frowned. "We'll discuss that later, Nikita. Do you have anything else to tell us?"
I stared at him in astonishment. What could possibly be more important than my vision? I looked from Donar to Silvio. His dark eyes met mine, questioning.
I looked down at the floor. They wanted me to tell them the truth -- everything. But I couldn't. I didn't want them to know about my shame. I couldn't talk about it even if I did. Most of all, I couldn't let them find out about the lie I was confessing to save Rhavin -- they would never let me get away with it.
"No," I said, still not looking at them. "There's nothing else."
Silvio's sigh was heavy. He left my chair and fetched a piece of paper from the desk. I looked up when he held it out to me. It was blank.
"You will not leave this temple," Silvio said quietly, "before giving us your itinerary for the day. And we'll expect you back here well before midnight. You'll report to us immediately."
I looked up at Silvio, not even trying to hide the hurt I felt. He and Donar had always believed in giving their priests a great deal of freedom. No one, no matter how much trouble they'd caused, had ever been asked to do anything like this. It was a sign that they'd lost all faith in me.
Silvio's expression didn't waver as he handed me a pen. Blinking back tears, I wrote down my plans for the day. Even in this, I could not be honest. I claimed to be taking my meals at the Oasis; if Donar and Silvio knew about the medicine, that it was making me sick, they would take it away from me, and I wouldn't be able to hide my pain from Rhavin.
I handed the paper back to Silvio and stood. I was so ashamed I could not even look at them.
"Can - can I go now?" I was very late for Rhavin and Kariya's lesson; they would be wondering what had happened to me.
"You may go," said Donar.
I turned and fled without looking back. When I got to the Oasis, Kariya and Rhavin accepted my apology for being late. I trained them for a while. They were improving rapidly. Nervous that they might start noticing things I didn't want them to, I drank all of the medicine in my water skin; I had more back at the temple.
I spent most of the day with Gil, then I met the others just after dinner. Kariya, I was astonished to see, had bought a little german sheperd puppy. It was really cute. She let me pet it. Then Rhavin gathered us all together and said he wanted to talk to everyone upstairs. He described his meeting with the baroness's son, and claimed that the baroness had offered him asylum. I was very relieved to see that -- Baroness Gelia had the power to keep Rhavin safe.
I was worried when Alanna came up and said there was someone who wanted to see Rhavin alone. Could Rhavin be in danger? Forgetting I'd not told the others of my shape-shifting power, I turned into a mouse and sneaked downstairs after Rhavin. (Kariya grabbed the puppy just in time.)
I was disturbed when I saw the broken table, with a large, pot-bellied man standing atop its remains. But my fears were relieved when Rhavin cried, "MORT!" and hugged the man. Though I did not know it at the time, Mort was Rhavin's attorney (and former fellow adventurer) from the capital, and he had come to offer his help with Rhavin's legal problems. Realizing it would be rude to eavesdrop on Rhavin just for the sake of curiosity, I went to spend the rest of the evening with Gil. True to my word in this one thing at least, I returned to the temple shortly after the bells tolled ten o'clock.
When I walked into the study to report in, Silvio and Donar were each reading a document. They looked furious.
Silvio thrust his paper at me; it was a copy of my confession to the king. I stared at it in horror.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.
"This is a blatant lie," Donar thundered. "You've perjured yourself to the king. What the hell do you think you're doing? Did you really think that you could get away with this?"
I was horrified. All I could think of was that they were going to stop me from making my confession, that they would take away my undectable lie spell, and my only means to save Rhavin. I turned and ran.
"Stop her!" Donar yelled.
I didn't get far before Dante and Nysander caught up to me. I tried to struggle free, but it was useless.
"Take her upstairs and lock her in," Silvio ordered. "But be gentle. And don't leave her alone for a second."
I sobbed and begged Silvio not to do this, but he ignored me. Nysander has not even looked at me... Not even when I begged for my medicine. Donar said I couldn't have any, but they don't know how much I hurt. Surely if I ask again...
there are a few pages ripped out, then the diary continues in common tongue -- the hand-writing is a bit shaky, and frequent waterspots mar the pages...
I don't know what to write. There is nothing left to say, no way for me to excuse what I have done. But Donar's orders, though unspoken, were very clear - he wants me to write something. I honestly don't know why. But since it seems likely to be the last order he ever gives me, I will obey it as well as I am able. I will record everything that happened, as much as I know, and I will leave nothing out.
When I would not stop crying and begging for my medicine, Donar gave me something to help me rest. I fell asleep almost instantly.
The next thing I knew, I was in the infirmary at Soltana's shrine. I was gasping, trying to draw air into my tortured lungs. I could feel a deep and stabbing pain in my chest where my heart beat so fast I thought it would explode. The rest of my body felt strangely numb.
I was vaguely aware of voices, of people around me. Their words sounded muffled and distant. I looked up, saw Sara-ohn, looking grim and desperate. She barked out orders at the other Soltanites fluttering around us. I thought I saw Donar standing behind her; he looked frightened. Silvio was pacing in the background.
Sara-ohn asked something about my medicine, but I could not answer her. Then, the pain in my heart seized me, and everything went black.
When I woke again, I felt terribly weak and dizzy. But I could breathe again; and it did not hurt. I looked around. A priest of Soltana was sitting next to me, his hand on my wrist. His eyes were closed, as if in concentration, and he did not seem to notice that I was awake.
Behind him, their backs to me, Sarah-ohn was talking to Donar and Silvio. Somehow, she knew about the morphine. She was explaining that it was dangerous, that it had weakened my heart and my lungs. Combined with the sleeping potion, it had nearly killed me. They had taken all my poisoned blood and replaced it; I can't imagine how. She said I was weak and malnourished, that I was at least thirty pounds underweight. And she told them that I'd been raped (how could she?).
Finally, the young priest opened his eyes. He said something to Sara-ohn about my pulse and told them that I was awake. They all came over to the bed - I could not look in their eyes for fear of the shame I would see there. Silvio knelt down beside me and held my hand.
"Nikita," Donar said softly, "why didn't you tell us?"
"Who did this to you?" asked Silvio.
I started crying. "It was Nicco," I sobbed. "Please, please don't tell Rhavin. Please, promise you won't tell him."
"We can't do that," said Donar.
"He'll hate me," I sobbed.
"Nikita," Donar explained, "you know I have never been one to advocate that honesty is always the best policy. But sometimes it's necessary. You have to tell your friends the truth."
"No!" I looked desperately at Sara-ohn. "You care about Rhavin. You know him. He'll get himself killed. Please make them understand."
She frowned at me. "I do care about Rhavin. And I would never dishonor him with a lie." Without another word, she collected her assistant and left the room.
"Nikita," Silvio said firmly, "you must tell them."
"No," I sobbed.
Donar helped me to sit up and forced me to meet his gaze. "Nikita," he said angrily, "you are betraying your friends by keeping this from them."
His accusation stung. But I knew that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not tell them about this; the words would never come. I still have not been able to talk about it.
"I can't," I whispered. "I can't do it. "
Donar glared at me. "Nikita, either you're going to tell them or I will."
"No," I sobbed. "I'd rather die."
"That's enough," Donar said. He picked me up and carried me out of the shrine. I cried the whole way over to the Oasis, ignoring the people who stared at us in amazement. Donar put me down on the front steps.
"Nikita, go in there and tell them the truth."
"No," I wailed.
Frustrated, Donar grabbed me and pulled me inside. One glance told me that Rhavin and Kariya were sitting at a table with the attorney Mort and the paladin Galen whom we'd met in Claveria. They were staring at us in astonishment; Rhavin looked furious.
Donar dragged me inside and put me in a chair. I heard Mort and Galen excuse themselves.
"What's going on?" Kariya asked.
The puppy barked.
"Nikita, are you going to tell them or should I?" Donar asked.
"I can't," I sobbed. I kept my eyes on the floor. I couldn't look at anyone.
"Someone," Rhavin said angrily, "had better tell me something."
"Gods," said Donar. "I don't even know where to begin. Where do you think I should start, Nikita?"
I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, let alone answer him.
"What the hell," Rhavin swore, "is going on?"
Donar sighed. "I just brought her from the Soltanite temple - where they removed some very dangerous chemicals from her body. It seems that Nikita has been taking a great deal of morphine."
"Morphine?" Kariya said, shocked. "Why?"
There was a pause. "Do you want to tell them about, Nikita? Or should I?"
I kept crying. Coward that I was, I wanted Donar to lift this burden from me. Let him tell my friends about my shame -- I could not.
But Donar would not let me off that easily. I heard him mutter an incantation and felt his hands on my shoulders. I was suddenly calm and could stop crying. I stared at Donar in astonishment; he never cast spells on his priests without asking permission.
"Tell them," he ordered, and left the inn. I watched the doors swing shut behind him, feeling abandoned.
Finally, I turned and dared to look up at Rhavin. He was watching me patiently.
I couldn't tell him. I opened my mouth, but the words would not come. Even if I started, I knew that I could not tell Rhavin all of it, that I would leave out the worst of the details. That was not the confession that was expected of me. Hoping that Donar could forgive me for disobeying his orders, I came up with another solution.
"Rhavin, I-I'm sorry. I can't talk about it. But, but I have a spell that can show you. If it's okay... But first, you have to promise that you won't do anything about what happened."
Rhavin shook his head. "I can't make that promise."
"Oh, please," I said desperately, aching to keep him safe.
"Nikita, I can't."
I searched desperately for an alternative. Canliss, I thought. Canliss was sensible. He understood how dangerous Nicco was, and he cared about Rhavin. He'd never let Rhavin get himself killed.
"Well, then promise me you'll ask Canliss' permission before you do anything."
Rhavin thought about it. "No, I can't do that either."
I looked at Rhavin hopefully. "Will you at least ask his advice?"
Rhavin nodded. "I can do that."
Taking a deep breath, I cast a rapport spell. I touched Rhavin's hand, and, as I relived the past few days, Rhavin shared them with me. There was nothing I could hide from him - he saw every last shameful detail, felt all my pain, knew all my emotions.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed when it was all over.
Rhavin kneeled before me and looked me in the eye. "This does not change the way I feel about you," he said.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was Rhavin really not ashamed of me? As I sit here alone in my room, I wonder if that will change now that Rhavin has time to think about what I did... But at the time, I was so relieved I threw my arms around Rhavin and wept.
"What happened?" Kariya asked, concerned.
Rhavin brushed the tears from my face. "I'll tell her," he said. "You've had enough pain. Why don't you go upstairs and rest?"
I nodded and followed Rhavin's suggestion. The puppy clambered after me. He jumped on the bed and snuggled into my arms. I hugged him, grateful for the company, and cried.
A long time later, Kariya and Rhavin came upstairs. Kariya hugged me gently, and they convinced me to come downstairs and eat something.
Before we had a chance, a man burst into the common room. I recognized him as Antony Torscelli, owner of Torscelli's, Istur's finest restaurant.
He looked at Rhavin. "Have you had any luck with that problem you're working on for the Diamond Star?"
Rhavin sighed wearily. "No, we haven't."
"Why not?"
"We have investigated," Kariya said defensively. "We're pretty sure they're using some kind of charm spell to lure people to Torg's. But we need someone to cast some detection and divination spells to find out for sure. Can you get someone to do that?"
Antony looked confused. He pointed at me. "What about her?"
I looked at the table.
"She can't help," Rhavin said.
"Eh, why not," Antony said. In his anger, his cultured accent was slipping and he was beginning to talk like an Instur native who'd been raised in the streets. Which, I happened to know, he was. Antony had worked hard to get where he was today.
"I thought we had a deal," Antony complained. "Yous was supposed to help me. Why ain't you done nothing?"
I dared to meet his gaze. "Why ask us? Find someone else."
"Ey, I can afford the best. Everyone says you're the best. You gonna help me or not?"
I held his gaze. "We can't help you," I said. "Unless you get permission."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" he said. "I got connections. I'll take care of it." Antony turned and strode purposefully from the inn.
"Sheesh," said Kariya. The puppy barked as the bard/pirate Temmer walked in.
"Aw how cute," he said.
"Don't feed him those prunes," Kariya complained. "Ulfie come here."
The puppy clambered over and Kairya pulled him into her lap. Alanna sat down with us then - she'd order her cooks to prepare a meal for us. Galen, Mort, Temmer and Canliss joined us. I ate my food and carefully avoided looking at anyone - the Soltanites had washed away all my make-up, and the bruises on my face were obvious.
Mort did not stay long. He gave some long-winded explanation about forms he had to fill out and votes and things. It all had to do with persuading the baroness to give Rhavin sanctuary. I think.
Shortly after Mort left, I heard a familiar voice call out my name. "Eh, Nikita. Where's the waitress? Can we get some food over 'ere?"
I looked up, astonished to see Sammy and three of his distinguished business associates at the next table. Sammy sold insurance for the Organization, and he was one of my first friends in Istur. He gave me a friendly smile and waved me over. Relieved that nothing had changed between us despite all the trouble I'd caused, I went over. We waited until Alanna had brought their food and departed.
"What's up with Torg's?" I asked.
"Well," said Sammy. "Certain people think it might be a good idea to look into it," he said vaguely.
"I thought they paid protection," I said.
"They do. But so do a lot of other places -- places that can't afford to pay any more. It's not good for business, if you know what I mean."
"So, you want us to do somethin' about it?" I asked.
Sammy shrugged. "Well now, Torg paid his protection money, so the Organization can't get involved. But somethin' needs to be done."
"Right. Thanks Sammy."
I rejoined the others. "Canliss and I can help," I explained, "as long as no one sees us doing it."
Canliss smiled. "I think I can arrange that."
We decided to go to Torg's and have dinner. Rhavin and Kariya, who would only pretend to eat, would get a table. Canliss and I would ride along -- as an invisible mouse and spider. I wanted to stop by the temple first, really I did, but the others pointed out that we didn't have time for that, not if we wanted to get into Torg's for dinner.
I had not counted on how difficult it would be to shape-shift in my weakened condition. The pain was incredible. Somehow, I managed it, and I traveled over to Torg's inside Rhavin's pocket.
There was a long wait in line, then Rhavin and Kariya finally got a table. We explored the kitchen, but we did not notice the cooks putting anything unusual in the food. Realizing it had to be something to do with the steaks themselves, we waited for the delivery man to come.
It took a long time. I was so tired and weary. But finally the back door opened and a man dropped off more steaks. Silently, Canliss and I sneaked into the back of the now empty cart.
I turned back into human form so that I could see out the back of the cart and tell where we were going. Again, it was horribly painful. So was the bouncing of the cart against my bruises. I longed for my medicine, and I was beginning to wonder if I would ever have the strength to get out of this cart. I was alarmed when I saw the cart pull up to the city gates. We were leaving the city! Our friends would never find us. (Uneasily, I thought of Donar and Silvio's standing order for me to be back at the temple by ten each night. This may take longer than I'd thought. It was too late to consider that now.)
The relief I felt far outweighed my amusment when I saw Galen trying to sneak along after the cart. The sun was glinting off his armor and his blond hair and he tried to hide in non-existent shadows.
In desperation, I hastily scrawled a note on a page from my diary. "Galen, I am in the cart and need help. Get the others at the Oasis. Nikita."
Thank Torodin, Galen saw the note and rode back. The cart continued on. I periodically tossed out tiny balls of paper so that Kariya could track us. It would have been difficult otherwise, as the storm soon broke. The rain drummed loudly on the tarp above me, almost drowning out the steady creaking of the cart's wheels.
Eventually, the cart left the road and headed along a tiny dirt path, through an illusionary hill-side. I barely had time to toss a piece of paper reading "illusion" before we were carried through it.
After we passed through the illusionary hill-side, we continued bumping along a dirt road. I saw over a dozen guards, many with cross-bows, step out from the cover of the trees. Then, seeing that all was well, they melted back into the shadows. Our friends following us were going to ride right into a trap.
"Canliss," I hissed. "There's men guarding the road. Can you go warn the others?"
There was no answer. A shiver of fear shook me; what if Canliss wasn't in the cart after all? I was so weak, I'd never get back to warn them in time.
"Canliss?" I called again. "Are you here?"
I was rewarded by a soft tapping against the side of the cart, just above my head. Thank Torodin for Canliss.
"Can you warn them?" I asked. There was no answer. I could only assume that Canliss had already left. As the cart moved further and further away, my thoughts were haunted by images of all the horrible things that could happen to my friends while I was helpless to aid them. As usual, I was completely useless to my friends. All I could do was pray to Torodin that they would be all right.
The wagon passed by a few farms, eventually coming to one surrounded by a wooden pallisade. The guard at the gate spoke briefly to the wagon driver, then let him on through. The wagon pulled into a barn, where the driver and another man unhitched the ox and pulled back the tarp. I cringed, despite knowing that I was invisible. Unaware of my presence, the men went to take care of the animals. I could hear them talking quietly among themselves. Around me, horses and cows munched contentedly on their feed.
Hoping to have some useful information when my friends showed up (again, I prayed for their safety), I cast a spell to gather any strong thoughts that had happened in the barn. I picked up a shudder of fear followed by, I'm glad that's over with. I can't believe what it did to that cow.
This made me uneasy, but it didn't tell me much. I was considering what other spells I could cast when Canliss suddenly appeared. He became visible even as his sleeping missiles dropped the two men in the barn.
I was thrilled to see him.
"Canliss," I said. "Is everyone okay?"
"Oh, they're fine." Canliss quickly tied up the guards and gagged them. "Nikita, can you help me get these two into that stall?"
I could barely walk, let alone lift anything. "I'm sorry, Canliss, I don't really feel too well..."
"Oh, that's all right, I'll drag them."
When the men were hidden, Canliss looked around the barn. "Well, Nikita, what do you say we cause a little chaos? We could let the animals out and set the barn on fire."
The thought of drawing attention to ourselves frightened me. "Um, I really don't know if that's such a good idea," I said uncertainly.
"Oh, why not? It will cause chaos."
I couldn't come up with a good answer to that; I was so tired I could hardly think straight. "Well, I don't know if chaos is good for us right now. Please don't set the barn on fire."
Canliss looked disappointed. "Well, all right. But I really think we should let the animals out."
"Well, okay, if you want to. But first, Canliss, I need to ask you a favor. It's really important. You see, Rhavin's going to ask your advice about something. Promise me you'll advise him to be cautious -- do nothing even. And you mustn't tell Sal."
His eyes widened in alarm. "You expect me to keep a secret from Sal?"
"Please Canliss, Sal doesn't need to know about this."
"I repeat," said Canliss, "you expect me to keep something from Sal - and live?"
"Oh Canliss, please." I could feel tears building, and let them fall. No one could see them. "I can't argue about this right now. You'll understand when Rhavin tells you."
"We'll see about that," said Canliss. "Now open the door; I'll let the animals out."
I walked over to the big, barn door and pushed against it. The men had opened it with no trouble, but it wouldn't budge for me. I was too weak.
"I'm sorry, Canliss. I can't open the door. It's too heavy."
Canliss stared at me. "Oh, well, here. Come get this dagger. You can cut the animal's ropes."
The weapon fell out of my grasp when Canliss tried to give it to me. "I'm sorry," I said. "I don't think I'm strong enough to do that either."
Canliss frowned at me. "Why don't you get back in the cart?"
I tried. The effort left me out of breath and didn't get me anywhere. "Canliss," I said sadly. "I can't get in the cart. I'm sorry."
Canliss looked disturbed. He managed to find my waist and lifted me gently into the cart, where he gathered the tarp around me.
"Stay right here," he said, after he had finished chasing the animals out. "I'm going to take a look around. I'll be back in a minute."
I heard the flutter of wings.
"Canliss," I called, "shouldn't we wait for the others?"
There was no answer. He was already gone. I gathered the smelly tarp around me and waited, shivering. It was cold in the barn. Outside, I could hear the steady drumming of rain and the distant rumble of thunder.
I waited and waited. Still, Canliss did not return. Where were the others? I would have felt much safer waiting for them, but I didn't know how far behind they were. Canliss had been gone for over twenty minutes; he could be injured or worse. I had to go help him.
With great effort, I rolled out of the cart and into the hay, then I pulled myself to my feet. I paused a moment to catch my breath, then I cast a spell to locate one of Canliss's favorite exotic herbs.
The storm was raging, and I was soaking wet the minute I stepped outside the barn. I paused for a moment to let my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I stumbled off in search of Canliss. I was weak and the rain made the ground slippery. I kept falling in the mud, each time growing more and more frightened at the time it was taking to drag myself to my feet. If I didn't hurry, I might be too late to help Canliss.
I finally found Canliss sprawled across the front steps of a nearby building. He was either unconscious or dead; between the darkness and the driving rain I couldn't tell which. I was horrified; if Canliss had died because I was too frightened to leave the barn sooner, I would never forgive myself. I rushed over to heal him.
Canliss was still breathing. It was the last thing I was aware of before I heard the sound of breaking glass and caught the acrid stench of poison. Just before I passed out, I saw lights come on inside the building.
I am not completely sure what happened next, but I can piece a few things together from what I heard my friends saying in the cart on the way back to Istur. Apparently, they had some trouble with the poison gas trap themselves, and at one point Morallan was forced to surrender. They captured Gaelen, leaving Kariya and Rhavin on their own.
I don't know how they managed to rescue everyone. I heard them talk about rolling out from underneath the house and nabbing the guards, but that doesn't make any sense - I must have misheard them. They captured a butcher, whom Kariya described as "not right in the head." Apparently there followed a lot of bargaining with the crazy butcher and the remaining guards; they eventually persuaded the butcher to release one dose of the antidote: if it worked, he could go free. Apparently they chose me; I don't know why they didn't pick someone useful.
I awoke feeling ill. My eye sight was blurry, and I felt even weaker than before. I saw Rhavin bending over me, looking worried. I tried to ask him if he was okay, but I couldn't get any words out.
Rhavin felt for my cheek and kissed it. Then he said something that sounded like, "Nikita, my love. Are you okay?"
If only my ears had not deceived me... But I know it was the effects of the poison, that Rhavin could not have said that. I have had too much time to think about all that I have done -- I am a liar and a coward. How could Rhavin love me? He deserves better than that; he deserves so much better than Shifty Nicco's whore.
Why did I ever tell Rhavin I loved him? He must be so embarrassed...
There is not much else to tell. Rhavin had me take a good, long look at the butcher before they let him go. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I could hardly see. I guess he is gone for good now.
Rhavin and Kariya administered the antidote to everyone. The others were groggy too, but at least they could move a bit. Rhavin had to carry me to the cart. I tried to tell them about the thought I'd picked up in the barn, but I couldn't speak well and I don't think they understood me. I asked about Canliss, whom I hadn't seen yet, and was relieved when I heard him say that he was okay. I was astonished when I saw that Morallan was with us; I tried to talk to him, but he couldn't hear me.
I heard Rhavin mention the Dragon's Claw, saying that we had to get back to Istur as soon as possible. Kariya was sitting next to me. She seemed very sad, and said that her puppy was missing. I felt terrible. After all that she had been through lately, what with her father missing and being kicked out of the army, she needed that puppy for comfort. It wasn't right.
I tried to tell her that I would help, that I could give her a spell to find the puppy, but she couldn't understand me. Why am I always useless when my friends need me?
There was a huge line of people waiting to get in when we reached the gates of Istur. Rhavin offered to pay everyone's Market Day fees if they'd let him to the front of the line. The crowd cheered, and the man with all the sheep seemed very happy.
I heard the others mention Mort, and the temple of Azkal. The streets were crowded, and they were having a hard time getting the cart through. Canliss said something about Strand's Shadows. I think I fell asleep for a few minutes.
When I woke up, Canliss was holding me in his arms and apologizing to someone. I looked up to see Donar frowning at him. I could tell by his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes that he was furious.
Canliss apologized again and handed me over. Donar stiffened slightly as the sleeves and front of his robes were suddenly wet.
"Nikita," he said to Canliss, "will not be leaving this temple."
Without another word, Donar turned and carried me upstairs.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to be late."
Donar didn't answer. He took me to room I'd been locked in before. He dispelled the invisibilty and cast a cure disease. Then he briskly helped me out of my soggy clothes, wrapped me in a warm blanket, and put me in the bed. He propped me up with pillows so that I could sit, and then he sat down on the edge of the bed.
He didn't say a word. He just stared at me. I had never, ever seen him so angry. There was a hardness to his handsome features, a cold fury in his green eyes that I had never seen before.
"I'm sorry," I said. Never had I meant anything so much, and never had anything I'd said seemed to mean so little.
Biting my lip to keep from crying, I dared to look back at Donar, hoping he would say something. I could see shadows beneath his eyes, signs of fatigue. That was my fault, too. After everything Donar had done for me, I had repayed him with nothing but grief.
"I'm sorry," I said again. My eyes stung with unshed tears, and my throat was tight. "I - I didn't think I'd be gone so long. The Organization wanted us to help, and I was afraid to say no. I wasn't any use to them anway, and the butcher got away and Kariya can't find her puppy."
Donar said nothing.
I looked down at my hands. I prayed that Donar would say something, anything. The silence was more than I could bear.
He didn't say a word. I looked back up at him. He was still glaring at me. I could feel tears spilling down my cheeks.
I had worse sins to apologize for.
"I'm sorry," I said again, my voice a hoarse whisper among the tears. "I'm sorry for lying to you and to Silvio. I'm so sorry. You trusted me, and I lied to you."
The tears were coming faster now. "I - I'm sorry. I know there's no excuse. I can't even ask you to forgive me; I know it's too much to ask. I haven't done anything right since I left Istur. Not one thing. I was reckless with my spells, I was cruel to people who didn't deserve it. "
I was nearly sobbing now; I am not sure if Donar could even understand me. "I failed at everything. I didn't solve the prophecy. I hurt my friends."
I choked back a sob, thinking of what I'd done to Rhavin.
"I lied to them, too. All of them, even Rhavin. I didn't tell them... I didn't tell them what you ordered me to tell them about... about him." I could not say Nicco's name. "I tried to tell them, but I was too ashamed. So, so I used a spell to show Rhavin instead."
I couldn't look at Donar any more. I looked down at my hands, watching my tears fall onto the blankets.
"I'm sorry. I know it's not what you wanted. I was such a coward. I should have told them the truth. I should have told all of you... But I didn't want you to hate me."
I tried to say more, but the tears wouldn't let me. I was sobbing hard now, and shaking with the force of it.
Donar sat there for a while, not saying a word. I could not stop crying. Finally, Donar stood and grabbed a small satchel from the bed-side table. He pulled out my diary, a fresh quill, and some ink, and he set them at the foot of the bed. Then he turned and left, closing the door behind him.
I cried myself to sleep. At one point, I dreamed. I was all alone, wandering through a cold, dark place. The sky overhead was black and starless; I could not see the ground beneath my feet. Lost, I wandered aimlessly. I was searching for my friends, for Rhavin, for Donar. I could not find them anywhere. Somehow, my sleeping mind knew that I had sent them away, and they were never coming back. I was all alone.
But that wasn't quite true. I heard a voice calling my name from the Shadows, much as Torodin's voice had come to me years ago. I stepped closer -- and froze in terror when I realized that the voice belonged to Nicco. He held out a hand to me and smiled.
"Come here, sweetheart."
I knew that he would hurt me. But I went willingly, because it was better than being alone. And the most horrifying part, just before I woke, was the relief I felt when Nicco kissed me.
I awoke, shaking. When I sat up in bed, I saw a glass of water and a plate of food on the table beside me. The ink and diary rested beside them. The quill was placed across the plate. Obeying the unspoken order, I ate the food and penned this entry.
I prayed, as I wrote, that Donar would come to see me. Despite everything I have done, I hoped that there was some way he could forgive me, that I could somehow earn his trust again.
That I am still alone here answers that question for me. I have no right to expect forgiveness from anyone. I betrayed all the people who trusted me. How can I expect them to forget about that? I can tell them that I love them. I can tell them I'm sorry. But nothing can change the fact that they can't trust me any more.
I remember learning lessons from Donar when I came to Strand's Shadows. I remember how pleased he would be when I would solve a problem, or learn a new skill faster than expected. I remember his smile one night when we looked up to the stars and I read the constellations with new-found wisdom that he had given to me.
It breaks my heart to think that he can't be proud of me any more.
I don't know where Donar is now, or Silvio. I don't know how long I've been sleeping. Somewhere outside these walls, soldiers are coming to arrest me. I should be afraid of that. I'm not.
What I fear is the real reason for Donar's absence; what I know in my heart must be true, though I can hardly bear to admit it. I don't know how a temple goes about getting rid of an unwanted cleric, but I know that I have left them with no choice but to throw me out. I am not fit to be a priestess of Torodin, not any more. Maybe I never was.
I prayed to Torodin then... I did not pray for the others. I knew that Torodin would find some way to spare Rhavin; he is too important. He was chosen to stop the fall of the night of evil, and the gods can not let him die. I prayed for myself instead. I know it was selfish. I know I had no right to ask it... but I prayed that they would wait until after the trial to dismiss me from the priesthood. I am not afraid of being executed, but please, Torodin I don't want to die all alone. Surely it wouldn't do any harm if, in the end, I could at least pretend that I belong to someone?
Donar gave me this diary and ordered me to write down my thoughts... what I have been doing for the past few days. He said that maybe if I took the time to organize my thoughts I could find a way to explain the way I have been acting, though he doubted very much that there was any excuse for what I've done. He is so ashamed of me.
I am trying to obey him, but the pain is awful and my hand is shaking. They won't give me my medicine, and I need it so badly.
The past two days, everything has gone wrong. It didn't start out that way. The other morning, Rhavin gave me a beautiful black and silver cloak embroidered inside with the symbols of Torodin. I was so touched I almost cried. After that, I trained him and Kariya. They are learning observation so quickly, and I am proud of them. I threw up in front of them, which was embarrasing, but they seemed to believe me when I told them I was just a little bit sick. Rhavin had just gotten back from visiting the baroness, and he gave me a beautiful rose -- I still have it. .
But then poor Kariya was kicked out of the army, and her father is missing. I feel so bad for her; I want to help her but what can I do? I tried to read Gil's mind to learn who he'd bitten, but all I got was horrible, bestial images of rending flesh and dripping blood. I was so horrified and exhausted, Dorvin let me rest in a back room in the ice house.
I lay down for a while, shaking and crying. I must have slept for a few minutes, because I had another vision. I awoke with a start. I recalled dreaming a dream so vivid that it could only be from the Shadowmaster himself. I saw a great, white fireball hurtling through the heavens, trailing behind it misty remnants of itself. I saw on the other side of the night sky a window, the glass eteched with the words of Hyskosa's prophecy. Panic gribbed me as the fireball's progress went unchecked across the night sky - until it went crashing through the window, splintering the prophecy's stained glass incarnation. I shielded my eyes from the explosion of fire and glass shards raining down upon me. Then, with a feeling of dread, I looked back to the skies. Through the shattered window came a rolling thick fog, obscuring the night sky. That was all I could remember.
Then a knock came at the door. I wiped my eyes and opened it.
Rhavin and Kariya stood there. Rhavin was frowning.
"Nikita, are you all right?" he asked.
He really was becoming more observant. I supposed he could tell I'd been crying. I was oddly proud of him.
"I-I'm okay," I lied. "I read Gil's mind -- it was terrible. And I didn't learn anything. I'm just a little upset. And I had another vision. Rhavin, can I tell you about it?"
"Of course," he said.
I explained to Rhavin, and he committed it to memory. He seemed very troubled about the fog.
I looked at Kariya, "Why are you here so late? Is something wrong?"
"Nikita, we need your help," Kariya said. "We've been asked to help the local restaurant owners. It seems that everyone is going to Torg's all the time for steak. They're neglecting their jobs, even. It's very strange. We're sure there must be some charm or something involved, but we need your help to find out."
Sal had already warned Canliss and me that Torg's had paid their protection money. They were off limits. I certainly wasn't going to make that mistake again.
"No," I said, terrified. "I can't help you."
Kariya scowled. "What do you mean you can't help? Why not?"
It was tearing me apart to let my friends down like that. But I couldn't explain. "I just can't," I said.
"Well, thanks a lot," Kariya snapped.
"I'm sorry," I said, close to tears. "Please go."
They did, but not before Rhavin had taken my hand and gently kissed it. As soon as the door was shut, I sat down on the bed and sobbed.
Some time later, there was another knock at the door. This time it was Donar. His expression was stern.
"Nikita," he scolded, "why didn't you tell me you were hurt?"
I stared at him in horror. How had he found out? "I-I'm not hurt," I lied. "I'm just feeling a little ill."
He came in, shutting the door behind us. "Sit down," he said gently. "Let me take a look at you."
I backed away. "No, please. I'm not hurt."
Donar glared at me. "Nikita, I am ordering you to let me examine you. Do you intend to disobey me?"
I felt tears spilling down my face. "Please don't do this."
But Donar was insistent. I will never forget the look of fury in his eyes when I took off my dress and he saw all the bruises.
"It's not bad," I said. "I fell."
He gave me an incredulous look. "Nikita, why are you lying to me?"
"I'm sorry," I sobbed. I had never lied to Donar before all this had started. How could he ever have any faith in me now?
"Sit," Donar said, his voice tight with anger. "Let me tend those wounds."
I didn't say a word while he examined me. I knew what he saw -- the cuts and bruises all across my back. The welts on my arms. My left shoulder was swollen and out of joint; I could barely move it. My side where Nicco had kicked me was black and tender. I could not even breathe deeply when Donar told me to, because of the pain in my ribs. Claiming that I fell had been a pathetic lie to cover injuries like this.
"Who did this to you?" Donar asked.
"I can't tell you," I sobbed.
Without another word, Donar healed me as much as he could and carried me back to the temple. He put me in a spare room.
"Get some rest," he ordered. "I hope in the morning you'll consider telling me the truth."
Then he shut the door and was gone. I was horrified at how I had disappointed him, but I knew it would only be worse if he knew the truth. I couldn't tell him. I lay down on the bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I crawled out of bed, shaking. After a night's sleep, my bruises had left me stiff and sore. Knowing I would be training my friends soon, I took a triple dose of the medicine and made sure that my water skin was full of it before I went downstairs.
I found Donar and Silvio in the study they shared. They were poring over some sort of journal and munching on a tray of bread and fruit. They regarded me intently as I walked in.
"Do you have something to tell us?" asked Donar.
"Yes," I said. "I wanted to talk about my vision. " I had already written it down for them, but it was customary to relate it twice, in case the sleeping mind had forgotten any important details.
They exchanged glances. It was not the confession they'd been hoping for. Donar regarded me sadly while Silvio pulled up a chair and bade me sit down. He offered me some of the food, but my stomach recoiled at the sight of it; I had not been able to eat a thing all week.
"No thank you," I said weakly. "I promised my friends I'd have breakfast with them at the Oasis."
Silvio nodded and put the tray back. He sat on the arm of my chair and studied me.
"Tell us about your vision," Donar said.
I did, and Donar recorded my words. I dared to look up at them then. It was customary for them to discuss each priest's visions with them, to help them explore possible interpretations.
But Donar and Silvio said nothing. They just stared at me.
"What - what do you think it means?" I asked finally. Their silence unnerved me.
Donar frowned. "We'll discuss that later, Nikita. Do you have anything else to tell us?"
I stared at him in astonishment. What could possibly be more important than my vision? I looked from Donar to Silvio. His dark eyes met mine, questioning.
I looked down at the floor. They wanted me to tell them the truth -- everything. But I couldn't. I didn't want them to know about my shame. I couldn't talk about it even if I did. Most of all, I couldn't let them find out about the lie I was confessing to save Rhavin -- they would never let me get away with it.
"No," I said, still not looking at them. "There's nothing else."
Silvio's sigh was heavy. He left my chair and fetched a piece of paper from the desk. I looked up when he held it out to me. It was blank.
"You will not leave this temple," Silvio said quietly, "before giving us your itinerary for the day. And we'll expect you back here well before midnight. You'll report to us immediately."
I looked up at Silvio, not even trying to hide the hurt I felt. He and Donar had always believed in giving their priests a great deal of freedom. No one, no matter how much trouble they'd caused, had ever been asked to do anything like this. It was a sign that they'd lost all faith in me.
Silvio's expression didn't waver as he handed me a pen. Blinking back tears, I wrote down my plans for the day. Even in this, I could not be honest. I claimed to be taking my meals at the Oasis; if Donar and Silvio knew about the medicine, that it was making me sick, they would take it away from me, and I wouldn't be able to hide my pain from Rhavin.
I handed the paper back to Silvio and stood. I was so ashamed I could not even look at them.
"Can - can I go now?" I was very late for Rhavin and Kariya's lesson; they would be wondering what had happened to me.
"You may go," said Donar.
I turned and fled without looking back. When I got to the Oasis, Kariya and Rhavin accepted my apology for being late. I trained them for a while. They were improving rapidly. Nervous that they might start noticing things I didn't want them to, I drank all of the medicine in my water skin; I had more back at the temple.
I spent most of the day with Gil, then I met the others just after dinner. Kariya, I was astonished to see, had bought a little german sheperd puppy. It was really cute. She let me pet it. Then Rhavin gathered us all together and said he wanted to talk to everyone upstairs. He described his meeting with the baroness's son, and claimed that the baroness had offered him asylum. I was very relieved to see that -- Baroness Gelia had the power to keep Rhavin safe.
I was worried when Alanna came up and said there was someone who wanted to see Rhavin alone. Could Rhavin be in danger? Forgetting I'd not told the others of my shape-shifting power, I turned into a mouse and sneaked downstairs after Rhavin. (Kariya grabbed the puppy just in time.)
I was disturbed when I saw the broken table, with a large, pot-bellied man standing atop its remains. But my fears were relieved when Rhavin cried, "MORT!" and hugged the man. Though I did not know it at the time, Mort was Rhavin's attorney (and former fellow adventurer) from the capital, and he had come to offer his help with Rhavin's legal problems. Realizing it would be rude to eavesdrop on Rhavin just for the sake of curiosity, I went to spend the rest of the evening with Gil. True to my word in this one thing at least, I returned to the temple shortly after the bells tolled ten o'clock.
When I walked into the study to report in, Silvio and Donar were each reading a document. They looked furious.
Silvio thrust his paper at me; it was a copy of my confession to the king. I stared at it in horror.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.
"This is a blatant lie," Donar thundered. "You've perjured yourself to the king. What the hell do you think you're doing? Did you really think that you could get away with this?"
I was horrified. All I could think of was that they were going to stop me from making my confession, that they would take away my undectable lie spell, and my only means to save Rhavin. I turned and ran.
"Stop her!" Donar yelled.
I didn't get far before Dante and Nysander caught up to me. I tried to struggle free, but it was useless.
"Take her upstairs and lock her in," Silvio ordered. "But be gentle. And don't leave her alone for a second."
I sobbed and begged Silvio not to do this, but he ignored me. Nysander has not even looked at me... Not even when I begged for my medicine. Donar said I couldn't have any, but they don't know how much I hurt. Surely if I ask again...
there are a few pages ripped out, then the diary continues in common tongue -- the hand-writing is a bit shaky, and frequent waterspots mar the pages...
I don't know what to write. There is nothing left to say, no way for me to excuse what I have done. But Donar's orders, though unspoken, were very clear - he wants me to write something. I honestly don't know why. But since it seems likely to be the last order he ever gives me, I will obey it as well as I am able. I will record everything that happened, as much as I know, and I will leave nothing out.
When I would not stop crying and begging for my medicine, Donar gave me something to help me rest. I fell asleep almost instantly.
The next thing I knew, I was in the infirmary at Soltana's shrine. I was gasping, trying to draw air into my tortured lungs. I could feel a deep and stabbing pain in my chest where my heart beat so fast I thought it would explode. The rest of my body felt strangely numb.
I was vaguely aware of voices, of people around me. Their words sounded muffled and distant. I looked up, saw Sara-ohn, looking grim and desperate. She barked out orders at the other Soltanites fluttering around us. I thought I saw Donar standing behind her; he looked frightened. Silvio was pacing in the background.
Sara-ohn asked something about my medicine, but I could not answer her. Then, the pain in my heart seized me, and everything went black.
When I woke again, I felt terribly weak and dizzy. But I could breathe again; and it did not hurt. I looked around. A priest of Soltana was sitting next to me, his hand on my wrist. His eyes were closed, as if in concentration, and he did not seem to notice that I was awake.
Behind him, their backs to me, Sarah-ohn was talking to Donar and Silvio. Somehow, she knew about the morphine. She was explaining that it was dangerous, that it had weakened my heart and my lungs. Combined with the sleeping potion, it had nearly killed me. They had taken all my poisoned blood and replaced it; I can't imagine how. She said I was weak and malnourished, that I was at least thirty pounds underweight. And she told them that I'd been raped (how could she?).
Finally, the young priest opened his eyes. He said something to Sara-ohn about my pulse and told them that I was awake. They all came over to the bed - I could not look in their eyes for fear of the shame I would see there. Silvio knelt down beside me and held my hand.
"Nikita," Donar said softly, "why didn't you tell us?"
"Who did this to you?" asked Silvio.
I started crying. "It was Nicco," I sobbed. "Please, please don't tell Rhavin. Please, promise you won't tell him."
"We can't do that," said Donar.
"He'll hate me," I sobbed.
"Nikita," Donar explained, "you know I have never been one to advocate that honesty is always the best policy. But sometimes it's necessary. You have to tell your friends the truth."
"No!" I looked desperately at Sara-ohn. "You care about Rhavin. You know him. He'll get himself killed. Please make them understand."
She frowned at me. "I do care about Rhavin. And I would never dishonor him with a lie." Without another word, she collected her assistant and left the room.
"Nikita," Silvio said firmly, "you must tell them."
"No," I sobbed.
Donar helped me to sit up and forced me to meet his gaze. "Nikita," he said angrily, "you are betraying your friends by keeping this from them."
His accusation stung. But I knew that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not tell them about this; the words would never come. I still have not been able to talk about it.
"I can't," I whispered. "I can't do it. "
Donar glared at me. "Nikita, either you're going to tell them or I will."
"No," I sobbed. "I'd rather die."
"That's enough," Donar said. He picked me up and carried me out of the shrine. I cried the whole way over to the Oasis, ignoring the people who stared at us in amazement. Donar put me down on the front steps.
"Nikita, go in there and tell them the truth."
"No," I wailed.
Frustrated, Donar grabbed me and pulled me inside. One glance told me that Rhavin and Kariya were sitting at a table with the attorney Mort and the paladin Galen whom we'd met in Claveria. They were staring at us in astonishment; Rhavin looked furious.
Donar dragged me inside and put me in a chair. I heard Mort and Galen excuse themselves.
"What's going on?" Kariya asked.
The puppy barked.
"Nikita, are you going to tell them or should I?" Donar asked.
"I can't," I sobbed. I kept my eyes on the floor. I couldn't look at anyone.
"Someone," Rhavin said angrily, "had better tell me something."
"Gods," said Donar. "I don't even know where to begin. Where do you think I should start, Nikita?"
I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, let alone answer him.
"What the hell," Rhavin swore, "is going on?"
Donar sighed. "I just brought her from the Soltanite temple - where they removed some very dangerous chemicals from her body. It seems that Nikita has been taking a great deal of morphine."
"Morphine?" Kariya said, shocked. "Why?"
There was a pause. "Do you want to tell them about, Nikita? Or should I?"
I kept crying. Coward that I was, I wanted Donar to lift this burden from me. Let him tell my friends about my shame -- I could not.
But Donar would not let me off that easily. I heard him mutter an incantation and felt his hands on my shoulders. I was suddenly calm and could stop crying. I stared at Donar in astonishment; he never cast spells on his priests without asking permission.
"Tell them," he ordered, and left the inn. I watched the doors swing shut behind him, feeling abandoned.
Finally, I turned and dared to look up at Rhavin. He was watching me patiently.
I couldn't tell him. I opened my mouth, but the words would not come. Even if I started, I knew that I could not tell Rhavin all of it, that I would leave out the worst of the details. That was not the confession that was expected of me. Hoping that Donar could forgive me for disobeying his orders, I came up with another solution.
"Rhavin, I-I'm sorry. I can't talk about it. But, but I have a spell that can show you. If it's okay... But first, you have to promise that you won't do anything about what happened."
Rhavin shook his head. "I can't make that promise."
"Oh, please," I said desperately, aching to keep him safe.
"Nikita, I can't."
I searched desperately for an alternative. Canliss, I thought. Canliss was sensible. He understood how dangerous Nicco was, and he cared about Rhavin. He'd never let Rhavin get himself killed.
"Well, then promise me you'll ask Canliss' permission before you do anything."
Rhavin thought about it. "No, I can't do that either."
I looked at Rhavin hopefully. "Will you at least ask his advice?"
Rhavin nodded. "I can do that."
Taking a deep breath, I cast a rapport spell. I touched Rhavin's hand, and, as I relived the past few days, Rhavin shared them with me. There was nothing I could hide from him - he saw every last shameful detail, felt all my pain, knew all my emotions.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed when it was all over.
Rhavin kneeled before me and looked me in the eye. "This does not change the way I feel about you," he said.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was Rhavin really not ashamed of me? As I sit here alone in my room, I wonder if that will change now that Rhavin has time to think about what I did... But at the time, I was so relieved I threw my arms around Rhavin and wept.
"What happened?" Kariya asked, concerned.
Rhavin brushed the tears from my face. "I'll tell her," he said. "You've had enough pain. Why don't you go upstairs and rest?"
I nodded and followed Rhavin's suggestion. The puppy clambered after me. He jumped on the bed and snuggled into my arms. I hugged him, grateful for the company, and cried.
A long time later, Kariya and Rhavin came upstairs. Kariya hugged me gently, and they convinced me to come downstairs and eat something.
Before we had a chance, a man burst into the common room. I recognized him as Antony Torscelli, owner of Torscelli's, Istur's finest restaurant.
He looked at Rhavin. "Have you had any luck with that problem you're working on for the Diamond Star?"
Rhavin sighed wearily. "No, we haven't."
"Why not?"
"We have investigated," Kariya said defensively. "We're pretty sure they're using some kind of charm spell to lure people to Torg's. But we need someone to cast some detection and divination spells to find out for sure. Can you get someone to do that?"
Antony looked confused. He pointed at me. "What about her?"
I looked at the table.
"She can't help," Rhavin said.
"Eh, why not," Antony said. In his anger, his cultured accent was slipping and he was beginning to talk like an Instur native who'd been raised in the streets. Which, I happened to know, he was. Antony had worked hard to get where he was today.
"I thought we had a deal," Antony complained. "Yous was supposed to help me. Why ain't you done nothing?"
I dared to meet his gaze. "Why ask us? Find someone else."
"Ey, I can afford the best. Everyone says you're the best. You gonna help me or not?"
I held his gaze. "We can't help you," I said. "Unless you get permission."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" he said. "I got connections. I'll take care of it." Antony turned and strode purposefully from the inn.
"Sheesh," said Kariya. The puppy barked as the bard/pirate Temmer walked in.
"Aw how cute," he said.
"Don't feed him those prunes," Kariya complained. "Ulfie come here."
The puppy clambered over and Kairya pulled him into her lap. Alanna sat down with us then - she'd order her cooks to prepare a meal for us. Galen, Mort, Temmer and Canliss joined us. I ate my food and carefully avoided looking at anyone - the Soltanites had washed away all my make-up, and the bruises on my face were obvious.
Mort did not stay long. He gave some long-winded explanation about forms he had to fill out and votes and things. It all had to do with persuading the baroness to give Rhavin sanctuary. I think.
Shortly after Mort left, I heard a familiar voice call out my name. "Eh, Nikita. Where's the waitress? Can we get some food over 'ere?"
I looked up, astonished to see Sammy and three of his distinguished business associates at the next table. Sammy sold insurance for the Organization, and he was one of my first friends in Istur. He gave me a friendly smile and waved me over. Relieved that nothing had changed between us despite all the trouble I'd caused, I went over. We waited until Alanna had brought their food and departed.
"What's up with Torg's?" I asked.
"Well," said Sammy. "Certain people think it might be a good idea to look into it," he said vaguely.
"I thought they paid protection," I said.
"They do. But so do a lot of other places -- places that can't afford to pay any more. It's not good for business, if you know what I mean."
"So, you want us to do somethin' about it?" I asked.
Sammy shrugged. "Well now, Torg paid his protection money, so the Organization can't get involved. But somethin' needs to be done."
"Right. Thanks Sammy."
I rejoined the others. "Canliss and I can help," I explained, "as long as no one sees us doing it."
Canliss smiled. "I think I can arrange that."
We decided to go to Torg's and have dinner. Rhavin and Kariya, who would only pretend to eat, would get a table. Canliss and I would ride along -- as an invisible mouse and spider. I wanted to stop by the temple first, really I did, but the others pointed out that we didn't have time for that, not if we wanted to get into Torg's for dinner.
I had not counted on how difficult it would be to shape-shift in my weakened condition. The pain was incredible. Somehow, I managed it, and I traveled over to Torg's inside Rhavin's pocket.
There was a long wait in line, then Rhavin and Kariya finally got a table. We explored the kitchen, but we did not notice the cooks putting anything unusual in the food. Realizing it had to be something to do with the steaks themselves, we waited for the delivery man to come.
It took a long time. I was so tired and weary. But finally the back door opened and a man dropped off more steaks. Silently, Canliss and I sneaked into the back of the now empty cart.
I turned back into human form so that I could see out the back of the cart and tell where we were going. Again, it was horribly painful. So was the bouncing of the cart against my bruises. I longed for my medicine, and I was beginning to wonder if I would ever have the strength to get out of this cart. I was alarmed when I saw the cart pull up to the city gates. We were leaving the city! Our friends would never find us. (Uneasily, I thought of Donar and Silvio's standing order for me to be back at the temple by ten each night. This may take longer than I'd thought. It was too late to consider that now.)
The relief I felt far outweighed my amusment when I saw Galen trying to sneak along after the cart. The sun was glinting off his armor and his blond hair and he tried to hide in non-existent shadows.
In desperation, I hastily scrawled a note on a page from my diary. "Galen, I am in the cart and need help. Get the others at the Oasis. Nikita."
Thank Torodin, Galen saw the note and rode back. The cart continued on. I periodically tossed out tiny balls of paper so that Kariya could track us. It would have been difficult otherwise, as the storm soon broke. The rain drummed loudly on the tarp above me, almost drowning out the steady creaking of the cart's wheels.
Eventually, the cart left the road and headed along a tiny dirt path, through an illusionary hill-side. I barely had time to toss a piece of paper reading "illusion" before we were carried through it.
After we passed through the illusionary hill-side, we continued bumping along a dirt road. I saw over a dozen guards, many with cross-bows, step out from the cover of the trees. Then, seeing that all was well, they melted back into the shadows. Our friends following us were going to ride right into a trap.
"Canliss," I hissed. "There's men guarding the road. Can you go warn the others?"
There was no answer. A shiver of fear shook me; what if Canliss wasn't in the cart after all? I was so weak, I'd never get back to warn them in time.
"Canliss?" I called again. "Are you here?"
I was rewarded by a soft tapping against the side of the cart, just above my head. Thank Torodin for Canliss.
"Can you warn them?" I asked. There was no answer. I could only assume that Canliss had already left. As the cart moved further and further away, my thoughts were haunted by images of all the horrible things that could happen to my friends while I was helpless to aid them. As usual, I was completely useless to my friends. All I could do was pray to Torodin that they would be all right.
The wagon passed by a few farms, eventually coming to one surrounded by a wooden pallisade. The guard at the gate spoke briefly to the wagon driver, then let him on through. The wagon pulled into a barn, where the driver and another man unhitched the ox and pulled back the tarp. I cringed, despite knowing that I was invisible. Unaware of my presence, the men went to take care of the animals. I could hear them talking quietly among themselves. Around me, horses and cows munched contentedly on their feed.
Hoping to have some useful information when my friends showed up (again, I prayed for their safety), I cast a spell to gather any strong thoughts that had happened in the barn. I picked up a shudder of fear followed by, I'm glad that's over with. I can't believe what it did to that cow.
This made me uneasy, but it didn't tell me much. I was considering what other spells I could cast when Canliss suddenly appeared. He became visible even as his sleeping missiles dropped the two men in the barn.
I was thrilled to see him.
"Canliss," I said. "Is everyone okay?"
"Oh, they're fine." Canliss quickly tied up the guards and gagged them. "Nikita, can you help me get these two into that stall?"
I could barely walk, let alone lift anything. "I'm sorry, Canliss, I don't really feel too well..."
"Oh, that's all right, I'll drag them."
When the men were hidden, Canliss looked around the barn. "Well, Nikita, what do you say we cause a little chaos? We could let the animals out and set the barn on fire."
The thought of drawing attention to ourselves frightened me. "Um, I really don't know if that's such a good idea," I said uncertainly.
"Oh, why not? It will cause chaos."
I couldn't come up with a good answer to that; I was so tired I could hardly think straight. "Well, I don't know if chaos is good for us right now. Please don't set the barn on fire."
Canliss looked disappointed. "Well, all right. But I really think we should let the animals out."
"Well, okay, if you want to. But first, Canliss, I need to ask you a favor. It's really important. You see, Rhavin's going to ask your advice about something. Promise me you'll advise him to be cautious -- do nothing even. And you mustn't tell Sal."
His eyes widened in alarm. "You expect me to keep a secret from Sal?"
"Please Canliss, Sal doesn't need to know about this."
"I repeat," said Canliss, "you expect me to keep something from Sal - and live?"
"Oh Canliss, please." I could feel tears building, and let them fall. No one could see them. "I can't argue about this right now. You'll understand when Rhavin tells you."
"We'll see about that," said Canliss. "Now open the door; I'll let the animals out."
I walked over to the big, barn door and pushed against it. The men had opened it with no trouble, but it wouldn't budge for me. I was too weak.
"I'm sorry, Canliss. I can't open the door. It's too heavy."
Canliss stared at me. "Oh, well, here. Come get this dagger. You can cut the animal's ropes."
The weapon fell out of my grasp when Canliss tried to give it to me. "I'm sorry," I said. "I don't think I'm strong enough to do that either."
Canliss frowned at me. "Why don't you get back in the cart?"
I tried. The effort left me out of breath and didn't get me anywhere. "Canliss," I said sadly. "I can't get in the cart. I'm sorry."
Canliss looked disturbed. He managed to find my waist and lifted me gently into the cart, where he gathered the tarp around me.
"Stay right here," he said, after he had finished chasing the animals out. "I'm going to take a look around. I'll be back in a minute."
I heard the flutter of wings.
"Canliss," I called, "shouldn't we wait for the others?"
There was no answer. He was already gone. I gathered the smelly tarp around me and waited, shivering. It was cold in the barn. Outside, I could hear the steady drumming of rain and the distant rumble of thunder.
I waited and waited. Still, Canliss did not return. Where were the others? I would have felt much safer waiting for them, but I didn't know how far behind they were. Canliss had been gone for over twenty minutes; he could be injured or worse. I had to go help him.
With great effort, I rolled out of the cart and into the hay, then I pulled myself to my feet. I paused a moment to catch my breath, then I cast a spell to locate one of Canliss's favorite exotic herbs.
The storm was raging, and I was soaking wet the minute I stepped outside the barn. I paused for a moment to let my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I stumbled off in search of Canliss. I was weak and the rain made the ground slippery. I kept falling in the mud, each time growing more and more frightened at the time it was taking to drag myself to my feet. If I didn't hurry, I might be too late to help Canliss.
I finally found Canliss sprawled across the front steps of a nearby building. He was either unconscious or dead; between the darkness and the driving rain I couldn't tell which. I was horrified; if Canliss had died because I was too frightened to leave the barn sooner, I would never forgive myself. I rushed over to heal him.
Canliss was still breathing. It was the last thing I was aware of before I heard the sound of breaking glass and caught the acrid stench of poison. Just before I passed out, I saw lights come on inside the building.
I am not completely sure what happened next, but I can piece a few things together from what I heard my friends saying in the cart on the way back to Istur. Apparently, they had some trouble with the poison gas trap themselves, and at one point Morallan was forced to surrender. They captured Gaelen, leaving Kariya and Rhavin on their own.
I don't know how they managed to rescue everyone. I heard them talk about rolling out from underneath the house and nabbing the guards, but that doesn't make any sense - I must have misheard them. They captured a butcher, whom Kariya described as "not right in the head." Apparently there followed a lot of bargaining with the crazy butcher and the remaining guards; they eventually persuaded the butcher to release one dose of the antidote: if it worked, he could go free. Apparently they chose me; I don't know why they didn't pick someone useful.
I awoke feeling ill. My eye sight was blurry, and I felt even weaker than before. I saw Rhavin bending over me, looking worried. I tried to ask him if he was okay, but I couldn't get any words out.
Rhavin felt for my cheek and kissed it. Then he said something that sounded like, "Nikita, my love. Are you okay?"
If only my ears had not deceived me... But I know it was the effects of the poison, that Rhavin could not have said that. I have had too much time to think about all that I have done -- I am a liar and a coward. How could Rhavin love me? He deserves better than that; he deserves so much better than Shifty Nicco's whore.
Why did I ever tell Rhavin I loved him? He must be so embarrassed...
There is not much else to tell. Rhavin had me take a good, long look at the butcher before they let him go. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I could hardly see. I guess he is gone for good now.
Rhavin and Kariya administered the antidote to everyone. The others were groggy too, but at least they could move a bit. Rhavin had to carry me to the cart. I tried to tell them about the thought I'd picked up in the barn, but I couldn't speak well and I don't think they understood me. I asked about Canliss, whom I hadn't seen yet, and was relieved when I heard him say that he was okay. I was astonished when I saw that Morallan was with us; I tried to talk to him, but he couldn't hear me.
I heard Rhavin mention the Dragon's Claw, saying that we had to get back to Istur as soon as possible. Kariya was sitting next to me. She seemed very sad, and said that her puppy was missing. I felt terrible. After all that she had been through lately, what with her father missing and being kicked out of the army, she needed that puppy for comfort. It wasn't right.
I tried to tell her that I would help, that I could give her a spell to find the puppy, but she couldn't understand me. Why am I always useless when my friends need me?
There was a huge line of people waiting to get in when we reached the gates of Istur. Rhavin offered to pay everyone's Market Day fees if they'd let him to the front of the line. The crowd cheered, and the man with all the sheep seemed very happy.
I heard the others mention Mort, and the temple of Azkal. The streets were crowded, and they were having a hard time getting the cart through. Canliss said something about Strand's Shadows. I think I fell asleep for a few minutes.
When I woke up, Canliss was holding me in his arms and apologizing to someone. I looked up to see Donar frowning at him. I could tell by his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes that he was furious.
Canliss apologized again and handed me over. Donar stiffened slightly as the sleeves and front of his robes were suddenly wet.
"Nikita," he said to Canliss, "will not be leaving this temple."
Without another word, Donar turned and carried me upstairs.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to be late."
Donar didn't answer. He took me to room I'd been locked in before. He dispelled the invisibilty and cast a cure disease. Then he briskly helped me out of my soggy clothes, wrapped me in a warm blanket, and put me in the bed. He propped me up with pillows so that I could sit, and then he sat down on the edge of the bed.
He didn't say a word. He just stared at me. I had never, ever seen him so angry. There was a hardness to his handsome features, a cold fury in his green eyes that I had never seen before.
"I'm sorry," I said. Never had I meant anything so much, and never had anything I'd said seemed to mean so little.
Biting my lip to keep from crying, I dared to look back at Donar, hoping he would say something. I could see shadows beneath his eyes, signs of fatigue. That was my fault, too. After everything Donar had done for me, I had repayed him with nothing but grief.
"I'm sorry," I said again. My eyes stung with unshed tears, and my throat was tight. "I - I didn't think I'd be gone so long. The Organization wanted us to help, and I was afraid to say no. I wasn't any use to them anway, and the butcher got away and Kariya can't find her puppy."
Donar said nothing.
I looked down at my hands. I prayed that Donar would say something, anything. The silence was more than I could bear.
He didn't say a word. I looked back up at him. He was still glaring at me. I could feel tears spilling down my cheeks.
I had worse sins to apologize for.
"I'm sorry," I said again, my voice a hoarse whisper among the tears. "I'm sorry for lying to you and to Silvio. I'm so sorry. You trusted me, and I lied to you."
The tears were coming faster now. "I - I'm sorry. I know there's no excuse. I can't even ask you to forgive me; I know it's too much to ask. I haven't done anything right since I left Istur. Not one thing. I was reckless with my spells, I was cruel to people who didn't deserve it. "
I was nearly sobbing now; I am not sure if Donar could even understand me. "I failed at everything. I didn't solve the prophecy. I hurt my friends."
I choked back a sob, thinking of what I'd done to Rhavin.
"I lied to them, too. All of them, even Rhavin. I didn't tell them... I didn't tell them what you ordered me to tell them about... about him." I could not say Nicco's name. "I tried to tell them, but I was too ashamed. So, so I used a spell to show Rhavin instead."
I couldn't look at Donar any more. I looked down at my hands, watching my tears fall onto the blankets.
"I'm sorry. I know it's not what you wanted. I was such a coward. I should have told them the truth. I should have told all of you... But I didn't want you to hate me."
I tried to say more, but the tears wouldn't let me. I was sobbing hard now, and shaking with the force of it.
Donar sat there for a while, not saying a word. I could not stop crying. Finally, Donar stood and grabbed a small satchel from the bed-side table. He pulled out my diary, a fresh quill, and some ink, and he set them at the foot of the bed. Then he turned and left, closing the door behind him.
I cried myself to sleep. At one point, I dreamed. I was all alone, wandering through a cold, dark place. The sky overhead was black and starless; I could not see the ground beneath my feet. Lost, I wandered aimlessly. I was searching for my friends, for Rhavin, for Donar. I could not find them anywhere. Somehow, my sleeping mind knew that I had sent them away, and they were never coming back. I was all alone.
But that wasn't quite true. I heard a voice calling my name from the Shadows, much as Torodin's voice had come to me years ago. I stepped closer -- and froze in terror when I realized that the voice belonged to Nicco. He held out a hand to me and smiled.
"Come here, sweetheart."
I knew that he would hurt me. But I went willingly, because it was better than being alone. And the most horrifying part, just before I woke, was the relief I felt when Nicco kissed me.
I awoke, shaking. When I sat up in bed, I saw a glass of water and a plate of food on the table beside me. The ink and diary rested beside them. The quill was placed across the plate. Obeying the unspoken order, I ate the food and penned this entry.
I prayed, as I wrote, that Donar would come to see me. Despite everything I have done, I hoped that there was some way he could forgive me, that I could somehow earn his trust again.
That I am still alone here answers that question for me. I have no right to expect forgiveness from anyone. I betrayed all the people who trusted me. How can I expect them to forget about that? I can tell them that I love them. I can tell them I'm sorry. But nothing can change the fact that they can't trust me any more.
I remember learning lessons from Donar when I came to Strand's Shadows. I remember how pleased he would be when I would solve a problem, or learn a new skill faster than expected. I remember his smile one night when we looked up to the stars and I read the constellations with new-found wisdom that he had given to me.
It breaks my heart to think that he can't be proud of me any more.
I don't know where Donar is now, or Silvio. I don't know how long I've been sleeping. Somewhere outside these walls, soldiers are coming to arrest me. I should be afraid of that. I'm not.
What I fear is the real reason for Donar's absence; what I know in my heart must be true, though I can hardly bear to admit it. I don't know how a temple goes about getting rid of an unwanted cleric, but I know that I have left them with no choice but to throw me out. I am not fit to be a priestess of Torodin, not any more. Maybe I never was.
I prayed to Torodin then... I did not pray for the others. I knew that Torodin would find some way to spare Rhavin; he is too important. He was chosen to stop the fall of the night of evil, and the gods can not let him die. I prayed for myself instead. I know it was selfish. I know I had no right to ask it... but I prayed that they would wait until after the trial to dismiss me from the priesthood. I am not afraid of being executed, but please, Torodin I don't want to die all alone. Surely it wouldn't do any harm if, in the end, I could at least pretend that I belong to someone?
posted by Nikita of Istur @ 1:58 AM
2 Comments:
At 2:01 AM,
Jerome Jackson said…
RSS Feed is Up
RSS Is Here! Yes, you read that right - Public Eye finally has its very own RSS feed .
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At 2:02 AM,
Julia Elvarado said…
Blogs vs. the law: A showdown about third party commentary
The Wild West days of the Internet's digital frontier could be tamed, as bloggers await the outcome of a lawsuit in which one of their own was sued for comments posted on his Web log or "blog." State ...
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